


April, April!

by Lykanthropa



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-09 14:45:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12890136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lykanthropa/pseuds/Lykanthropa
Summary: It's again the April Fools' Day. Scout's favorite day and the curse of the rest of the team. His jokes are as rude as ever. Only this time, the runner goes a step too far and the punishment follows a year later - on the April Fools' Day.





	1. The team's yearly horror day

**Author's Note:**

> The title is "April fools!" Another little story I write down before continuing with my major work. Hope you don't mind. The first chapter has no archive warning. But that could change from the second chapter.

Scout loves April. Especially the first day of this month. The April Fools' Day. The day of jokes and pranks.  
He should correct himself... He doesn't love the month but only the April Fools' Day.  
Just to make one thing clear. Scout won't be told by a calendar day when he has to fool his teammates. He does that every now and then as he wants it by himself. But still, this day is sacred to him. Because it allows to fool the people even harder. And because it's the day of the jokes, the others must not scold him therefore. And that's especially important because his team isn't able to see any jokes.  
Well, they are all geezers...  
But Jeremy is able to see a joke. He would even play a prank on himself if he could. The others are not even trying to fool him on April Fools' Day. Since joining this team, the April Fools' Day has been past twice but none of them ever played a trick on him.  
Never mind. He is the only true master of pranks and jokes. Nobody is fit to hold a candle to him, because he knows all the tricks. You couldn’t fool him anyway. And it also gives him a superior feeling when he's the only one who can laugh, while the others are aghast at the sight of Scout's genius. He comes like a shadow, sets the trap and disappears silently, only to observe from a safe distance how his unsuspecting victims fall into this trap. Surely they know that he will play tricks on them again this year. But they cannot shelter themselves from it, because Jeremy never makes the same jokes. They are always fooled in other ways. And it will be this time, too. His repertoire is far from exhausted! This time, Scout will use a camera to capture all the baffled faces of his teammates. His genius finally has to be held for eternity.  
The third April Fools' Day is just around the corner.  
It's time to set the traps.

  
**Sniper**  
Mundy awakens on the cot in his van. The sunrays shine through the rectangular window above him. Based on this he can say that it's early noon. He sits up, stretches, grabs his coffee cup and leaves the van to get his wake-up coffee from the base.  
The kitchen is empty. Mundy is glad he does not meet any of the team. After waking up he’s always a bit grumpy. The base is quite big. Sometimes it even happens that the mercenaries do not get to see each other for hours. If Spy had met him, he would have asked him again about why he always sleeps with his clothes and his shoes on (Mundy himself had never seen Spook without a mask, which is why he assumes that he himself sleeps with his clothes, too, this double standard-moralizer). Already his voice would have plummet his mood further. As long as Sniper did not have his coffee, nobody should talk to him…  
He turns the coffee machine on. The latest in the market.  
He is the only coffee drinker. This fact brings advantages and disadvantages. The disadvantage is that after getting up, he will never get greet by the wonderful scent of coffee and he has to cook it alone. The advantage is that because nobody else drinks it, the supplies last a long time. Even though he drinks very, very, very much. Nothing is better than having something for yourself. The coffee, the own van, the sleeping place outside the base…

It’s a quiet morning (noon!).  
The coffee is cooked and filled in his cup. Mundy deeply inhales the strong smell of black coffee. That's reviving!  
When he just wants to take a sip of vital energy, the pitching of a ball is to be heard and a moment later, a white ball flies directly towards him. Mundy knows what's about to happen, but the brain cannot give the body fast enough the command to dodge and so the ball collides with the cup. The collision is strong. So strong that the cup (his favorite cup!) shatters in his hand and spreads the hot substance on his pants. Especially in the crotch area.  
“ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!** ”  
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!” Scout runs into the kitchen. The pure horror on his face. “I'm sorry buddy! Such was not my intention!”  
As much as Mundy would like to beat the boy black and blue, it's top priority that he gets rid of his pants and underpants. Panicked and in pain, he unbuttoned them and pulled them down. However, his shoes are in the way. He will not get rid of his pants with them on his feet.  
“ **Help me, you little fucking bastard!** ”  
“Y-yeah, sure!”  
Scout bends down, grabs Sniper's shoes and pulls at them. The sniper stands on shaky legs that are as red as chili peppers, so they can not hold him. He falls to the ground and hits the back of his head against the kitchen counter. And on top of that, he ends up with his butt in the shards lying in the black, hot puddle.  
“ **SCOUT!!!** ”  
“Okay, okay!”  
The scout grabs Sniper by the shoulders and throws him aside. One, two pieces of broken glass have been drilled into his iron butt. The buttocks as red as the legs. He pulls out the broken pieces, causing Sniper to scream again. With difficulty, Mundy pulls away a bit. The cool ground is like a blessing to his aching butt. That's what his legs need too.  
“ **Get me something to cool!** ”  
“Alright, alright!”  
Scout jumps up, runs to the fridge, tears open the top frozen food compartment, grabs the ice cube tray and rushes back. Mundy raises his hands defensively.  
“ **Nah! No ice cubes!** ”  
But the hard-frozen water is already raining on his aching legs and his crotch. His screams are sure to be heard throughout the base.  
“ **Stop it! Stop or do you want to kill me?** ”  
“I just wanted to help!”  
Mundy takes off his shoes on his own, gets up and gets rid of his pants and underpants. Then he grabs his clothes and runs with bare abdomen out of the base.

A while later, Mundy lies in his van on the cot, his hat pulled low over his face to doze a little. After running out of his base half naked, he had hosed himself out with cold water from outside with a hose that he always used to wash his van. The legs are still slightly red, but the pain is gone. He had also been looking for Scout to put him over his knee but could not find him anywhere. He probably hid from him. After all this excitement, Sniper just needs a break.  
But he does not have that for long, because someone knocks on the door.  
“Whoever that is, piss off!”  
“Hey, Snipes. It’s me.”  
Scout.  
Again it begins to bubble in Mundy. He swings himself from the cot and throws open the door, with the intention of giving the brat his punishment. But he pauses when he sees the younger, almost intimidated, standing in front of him - with a cup of coffee in his hand.  
Demonstratively, he crossed his arms and leans against the doorframe.  
“I uh... I just wanted to apologize for that from earlier…”  
“Was that one of your stupid April Fool jokes again?”  
“No no! Not at all! You were hurt! I could never do that on purpose!”  
“…………”  
“You know me. If it had been a joke, I would have called April fools. Were you at Medic?”  
“Not necessary. After all, I'm not a sissy.”  
“Oh, okay. Um… here.”  
Scout hands Sniper the cup.  
Mundy throws a skeptical look into it.  
“The coffee is pale.”  
“Yeah, I put a little bit milk in it.”  
“I drink my coffee black. Always.”  
“Hey, don't be so fussy. I just want to apologize. I don’t do that for anyone else, y’know?”  
“…what about my cup?”  
“I will glue it together single-handed! Scout's honor! Haha! Got it? Scout's honor.”  
“…………”  
“Well, um… don’t you want to drink already? I really tried hard.”  
Scout looks up at him with almost watery eyes. Obviously, he is really regretting.  
“Alright, mate. Apology accepted. And now go out of my sight.”  
“I’m off!”  
Scout runs away and Sniper goes back into his van. He sniffs at the coffee. It smells a bit weird... Maybe it's because he added milk. He takes a sip.  
“Uff!”  
The taste is very getting used to. Or is it perhaps because he doesn't drink from his own cup? He would like to throw away this gnat's piss, but Scout's apology touched him, so he takes another sip. This time a bigger one.  
Then he lies down back on the cot.  
After a few minutes his stomach begins to rumble strangely. Shortly thereafter, mild nausea occurs in him.  
“Oh piss…” Mundy sits up and grabs his stomach. “What the…?”  
And suddenly everything happens very fast.  
“Oh shit! Oh shit!!”  
In a panic attempt to jump from his cot, he hooks himself with one foot in the blanket and falls to the ground, lands on the nose. But that doesn't stop Mundy to undress his pants and underpants again, to jumps out of the van and to do next to it his unstoppable business. He would never have made it to a bathroom. Crouched, leaning against his van, Mundy remains in that position while his bowel deflates against his will.  
“Oh holy…!!”

“ **April fools!** Ahahahahahahaha!”  
Sniper only knows this mischievous laugh too well. Scout jumps out of his hiding place. While holding his stomach while laughing, he keeps a camera on Sniper and films his helpless situation.  
“I knew it!! You damned scumbag! If I get ahold of you, I'll gut you!”  
“Hahahahaha! Oh, Snipes. You will have to wait awhile.”  
“What did you put in the coffee?”  
“Laxatives, and my Mad Milk.”  
“That was no coffee milk!?!”  
“Pfff! No. It would have been boring. So it may be that you have to vomit a bit now and then. But who drinks his own piss, shouldn't matter much. God, that's cool! Finally I got you!”  
“What does this mean? I don't drink my - oh god!”  
The next load leaves Sniper's butt.  
“Actually, I wanted to pour the stuff in the kitchen in the coffee. Had hidden the camera with a lot of effort. And I hit the ball in your direction to lure you out of the kitchen. Didn't think I would hit exactly your cup. That was an awesome extra. I had to pull myself together, not to laugh. Ahahahaha!”  
A long, dark mutter from the deepest depths of Mundy's throat is to hear.  
Scout knows if the shits is over, he'll chase him. But the boy is not a stupid animal from the bush. Every year the threats are the same. He only has to hide in the first days after April Fools’ Day to wait for the others to calm down. And it doesn’t really take that long. Because no matter how angry the guys can be - they are no resentful for long.

  
**Spy**  
Aiméric always gets up at the same time. Early at 7. He likes the feeling of being the first in the base that is already up. However, this is not always true. Medic sometimes makes a night of it in his infirmary and always seems so rested. Often the Frenchman wondered how he did it.

His inner alarm makes him wake up. A quick glance at the clock on his bedside table tells him that it's now 7 o'clock.  
He swings rested from his bed and heads for his own bathroom. In the mirror, his unsightly self returns his gaze. Ruffled hair, five o'clock shadow...  
Time to smarten up.  
In his routine Aiméric reaches for his shaving kit. He has already discovered the wet shaving as a young man for himself. These are 7 simple steps.  
1\. Soaking with warm water  
2\. Lathering with shaving cream in creamy consistency  
3\. Shaving with the blade angle of 30 degrees to the skin, the skin is stretched with the free hand  
4\. Remove the foam residues with cold water  
5\. Drying the skin  
6\. Disinfect  
7\. Put on some lotion  
Sounds like a lot, but is done quickly. After all these years, he has become a gifted bar razor. And it always has to be the best of the best. Aiméric spends a lot of money on high-quality shaving equipment. But here at Mann Co., he does not have to pay for it himself. Mann Co. is very worried about his mercenaries, so they only get the best and the latest. Everything was adapted to their needs. If would didn't wait a beautiful woman for him at home, he would settle down here.  
Delightfully, he strokes the now stubble-free skin.  
“Excellent.”  
Next, his teeth are brushed before he niggles his hair. The hair is always quite demanding and Aiméric as well. The bathroom will not leave until every single hair is in place. And that can take time.  
The black hair is covered with gel. Also set his special, irrepressible curl. Long ago, he had given up putting it to the other hair. Every time it jumps back to its original position. One of the reasons why Aiméric wears his mask. The look is embarrassing for him. And also that he is already gray at the hairline and the head side. As far as he can tell, Medic is about the same age as he is. He may even be a bit older, but his hair doesn't show any gray tints. Therefore, he suspects that he is coloring his hair. Everyone hides their age in other ways. At a certain age you become vain.  
After work, he leaves the bathroom to get dressed. While he ties his tie, his gaze falls on the calendar. Only by chance. He reads that today is the first day of the April, but his brain has to work on this information first before it hit him like a hammer blow.  
His whole body is tense and the pulse is accelerating.  
_April Fools' Day? Today is the April Fools' Day? Again?!?_  
Aiméric is horrified to think of Scout's last jokes. Last year he had put a crab in his pants (automatically, Spy taps off his clothes), which had so badly pinched his privates that he couldn't wait for Medic's treatment and had therefore given himself a bullet so that the Respawn machine fixes him. And the year before, he had only prepared his cigarettes with crushed chili peppers (he will keep a close eye on his cigarettes today). His eyes had been watering for days. After only one pull!  
The lesson is clear - it gets worse from year to year.  
What will expect him this year? He will be on guard. So far, the boy shouldn't have hatched anything yet. Scout is never awake in front of him. If it does not matter, he sleeps till all hours. Aiméric doesn't have to worry about anything now. Still, he examines his mask before pulling it over the head.  
Everything’s fine.

He's already on his way to the door to have breakfast in the kitchen when his face suddenly starts to itch. At first it's very weak, which is why he hardly noticed, but then it gets stronger and stronger.  
Spy stops abruptly, freezes. Then he pulls the mask off his head with a cry and scratches himself everywhere. On the cheeks, chin, neck, back of the neck and head. Everywhere itches unbearably!  
Spy runs back to the bathroom to the mirror. His whole face is flushed and he just cannot stop scratching himself. His neatly dressed hair all get mixed up again and his mouth escapes short cries from time to time. And at the same time he thinks that he had been taken in by Scout again. But he barely has time to get angry.  
Quickly he splashes water in the face, but it doesn't get better.

“April fools!”  
“You little rat…!!”  
“Ahahahaha!! You should see your face! Oh, you can do that.”  
After this statement, Aiméric finally turns around to Scout, only to look into a camera lens.  
Although joking is less painful this year, pride suffers all the more. Being filmed in such a situation is more than humiliating.  
“Hahaha! You look like an owl. You can compete with Snipes owl. You are always sitting on his shoulder anyway.”  
“Come ‘ere, you…!”  
Aiméric reaches for Jeremy, but he evades him cleverly. He couldn't have held him anyway because he needs both hands to scratch.  
“What is that?”  
“Simple itching powder from rosehips. The classic.”  
“Is that the only reason for you to get up early? I'll tell your mother!”  
“My Ma don't like snitches. I'll leave you alone now. Today, others still waiting for me to make fun of them. You shouldn’t put in an appearance today. You really look like shit.”  
“Scout! Come back!”

  
**Demoman**  
Tavish is just leaving the training room in a good mood. Until just now he had done some strength training with Heavy. The Russian is just incredible. Lifted the heavy weights as if it were nothing. And no matter how hard the Scot struggles, he is unable to hold a candle to him. But that's fine. He just wants to lift weights for fun and not to compete with Heavy. Such a thing can quickly burden the friendship. And the lads here are really close to him.  
He should also call his mom again and tell her about them.  
_Today is a good day! Nothing and nobody can drag me down._

It's ten o'clock now. Tavish deserved a bottle of delicious rum. He returns to his room and pulls out the box of scrumptious brew under his bed (must be always in handy). He sits down on the bed, the box of ten bottles between his legs, the anticipation big. He rubs his hands and finally reaches for one of the bottles. He grabs it at the bottleneck, and before he can pull it out, the neck breaks. The bottle slips back and breaks completely. The alcohol seeps through the box and spreads out on the carpet under it.  
“Aye! What just happened?!?”  
Startled, Tavish stares at the broken bottle neck in his hand. Broken. Just because! He hastily reaches for a second one. This also breaks in two. More alcohol on the floor.  
“No… No, it cannot be…”  
The bottles were untouched and they also have no cracks. But just to be on the safe side, Demo lifts all the bottles out of the box, and just like the first two, they break as well - and the precious alcohol seeps into the carpet.  
“Noooo!”  
He kicks the box aside, throws himself to the floor and tries to suck as much of the rum out of the carpet as possible.  
“Aaarrrghh!”  
Demo jumps up, runs out of his room to get to the storeroom. There are heaps of crates of rum. But they all break as well. Each one…  
Tavish falls desperately to his knees. That's the devil's work. And only one person can be responsible for that.  
“Merasmus, you deviiillll!!”  
Tavish has to pull himself together not to cry.  
“There is no god…”

“No, but me, the April Fools' Day and a camera.”  
“W-what…!?”  
Demo turns around to the voice. There's Scout standing in the doorway, holding a camera, a big grin on his face.  
“What have you done?” Tavish's voice is shaky. Is it because he is on the verge of a crying fit or because of flash of anger?  
“Nothing. Except maybe the real bottles replaced by bottles of sugar glass.”  
“Sugar…glass…?”  
“Is delicious. Alright, the booze is kaput now, but nibble on the bottles a bit. Is healthier anyway. I mean, everyone knows that alcohol is unhealthy.”  
Slowly, Tavish gets up and turns around to the scout.  
“How many… times have I told you… to stay away from my rum…”  
“Y-you're just so ungrateful.”  
The Scot approaches the boy slowly, but menacingly. He shrinks back.  
“Think of your kidneys!”  
“My kidneys and I are best friends!”  
“Pfft! That's what all the alkies say.”  
“Come here, you! I'll give you a caning!”  
Now Demo attacks Scout. The boy responds with lightning speed, grabs the door, throws it shut and locks it. Tavish bounces against it, almost lifting it off its hinges.  
“Open the door!”  
“So you can kill me? Forget it!”  
Then Scout starts to laugh. That makes Tavish even more angry.  
“Stay here for a while to cool off. Oh yeah and... April fool!!”

  
**Soldier**  
“And 26... and 27... and 28... and 29... and 30!”  
Satisfied, Jane stands up, stretching his arms. His white shirt stretches strongly over his well-trained chest muscles. 30 push-ups in the morning are extremely invigorating. But not just that. The morning training also serves the discipline. A soldier without discipline is like a man without honor and pride. Just like the bunch of layabouts and wannabe Americans with whom he spends his time in this base. His team.  
He puts on his jacket and brings out his trumpet. It's time for the morning appeal.  
But before Soldier leaves his shelter, he must not forget one thing - his helmet. His best friend and protector in the war.  
He reaches for the bedpost, where he always hangs his helmet to sleep. But he grasps at nothing.  
“What!”  
And indeed. His helmet has disappeared. Somebody stole his helmet! As the first suspect Merasmus comes to his mind. This damned sorcerer is trying hard to make life difficult for him. But that's what Jane cares about later. Then he just takes his bucket as a replacement.  
Soldier opens his closet, where he had stashed his precious bucket. But this has disappeared, too.  
“Noooo!”  
Hastily he rushes over to his secret helmet locker, where he keeps all his helmets, which he actually only wears on special days. As for example on the 4th of July. But even this is emptied.  
The helmets were still there last night. So they have to be gone overnight. No one else than Merasmus can be considered.  
“Damn you, Merasmuuussss!”  
The soldier has no choice. He has to find the magician and get his helmets back. This will be revenge with recapture. He needs his helmets! Without a helmet, he can not step in front of his men. What would Jane be an example? In addition, rockets, bombs and hail of bullets can rain at any time.  
Completely in a rage, he throws his cot blanket over his head and storms out of his quarters.  
Blindly he runs through the corridor, bumping into walls every now and then until he makes it into the garage where Engineer's truck is parked. He jumps in there, turns over the dash key (Engie always leaves the key in because he has complete trust that no one in the team will use his truck unasked, but if Jane explains the situation to him, he'll understand - after all it is about life and death! - for his helmets.) and with roaring bluster he bombs along.

With loud laughter, Scout comes out of his hiding place and films Engineer's truck driving away with a felted ghost behind the wheel.  
“Happy April Fools’ Day _maggot_! Ahahahahaa!”  
Of course Scout was responsible for the disappearance of the helmets and the bucket, but that Soldier would blame Merasmus and make his way to him, he would not have expected. That's just awesome! To drive him further insane, he will now lay back all his helmets - right after he smear glue inside them. The guy takes off his helmets anyway only to sleep. If any. Then he shouldn't take them off anymore. Then his hair grows until he looks like a hippie.  
Jeremy watches as the tuck begins to lurch.  
“Hopefully he don't crash... Well, the Respawn will get him back.”

  
**Pyro**  
Today is another beautiful day in his colorful wonderland. The candyfloss clouds seem particularly full today, and the lollipops that grow out of the ground, especially delicious.  
Oh! There is the pretty, pink Balloonicorn, the mayor of Pyroland, gliding weightlessly through the air.  
Full of energy, Pyro waves to him, and the unicorn answers with a wink with a wink.  
A wonderful, wonderful day!  
But stop! Somebody is missing. Where are all the cute babies in their cute little diapers and with their tiny little wings? It's no fun without them. He misses their sweet little voices. Pyro wants to play with them! Are they hiding from him again? Pyro loves hide and seek games. He is very good at it. He always finds them.  
But first he wants to squeeze and hug them. Maybe they come voluntarily out of hiding when he calls them with his rainbow thrower? They love soap bubbles, glitter and rainbows and always listen to the wonderful melody played by the rainbow thrower.  
So he takes it in both hands and starts to play. From the golden brass horns the rainbows flow together with glitter bubbles and the melody notes and ascend to the sky. It will not be long before Pyro is surrounded by his little friends.

Disappointed and in a few meters (safe) distance observed Scout Pyro, as this handles with his flame thrower. He had been waiting for this moment. Instead of fire, soap bubbles come out of the strangely shaped metal bar. For Scout, clever as he is, had replaced the Propane Tank of the Flamethrower with a bubble tank that is very similar to the Propane Tank. But the hoped-for reaction of the pyromaniac is unfortunately not happen. He blows the bubbles with such a vigor through the air as he always does with the flames in battle.  
“What just wrong with this guy…?”  
There are only three explanations for Pyro. Either he is stupid or blind. Or his perception is disturbed.  
_Does fire always look like soap bubbles to him? Or maybe…!_  
Maybe Pyro knew that Scout would play a joke on him and now pretends to like it. However, he doesn't look like he's acting. It's also a bit hard to determine it without facial expressions. But if Scout thinks back, then he has responded to his pranks in a similar way. The first time he had put an ax in his bed with fake blood. Pyro had clapped his hands enthusiastically, picked up the ax and held it to his mask (his mouth?). Almost as if he wanted to lick it. Licking like a lollipop... The second time he had put a dead raccoon in his closet (honestly, the cattle were already dead! Were run over on the street, the tire prints were still clearly visible on the body). But instead of frightening, the guy had taken the raccoon and squeezed heartily to his chest. From then on, Scout should have stayed away from Pyro. But he wanted to try it again. One reason was the camera. But instead, he had rather done the team a favor because his prank prevents Pyro to torch something or someone.  
“Crap! Note to self… Fooling Pyro is a waste of time.”  
“Huddah Huddah!”  
“Aaahh!”  
Suddenly Pyro is standing in front of him, the flamethrower pointed directly at him. Automatically Scout raises his hands up, the camera falls to the ground. For a tiny moment, he forgets that the flamethrower is no longer dangerous.  
Then Pyro activates the tap handle and a bubble storm is blow into Jeremy's face. Bubbles get into his eyes.  
“It burns! It burns!!”  
“Huddah!”  
Behind the mask sounds a childlike laugh, Pyro lifts his flamethrower over his head, his victorious pose. Then he trots off contentedly while Jeremy struggles with his watery eyes.  
“April… Fools’ Day… Y-you know…”  
Half blind, Scout begins to search for a faucet. He left the camera on the floor. Only later will he find out that when he dropped the camera, that it turned and the lens was pointed at him. It had taped his frightened face.

  
**Engineer**  
It's early afternoon and Dell walks through the base at a loss. He cannot find his yellow safety helmet. It just disappeared. He cannot have misplaced it? Before going to bed, Engie always puts his helmet on his desk. Always.  
Dell seeks and seeks and seeks. He also visits his teammates to ask if they have seen his helmet. Or maybe they borrowed it. But Demo and Soldier are not in their rooms. Just like Scout. And he cannot find them anywhere else. Even Sniper is not in his van. When he knocks on Spy's door, he's there, but he doesn't want to see anyone.  
On his further search, Engineer meets Pyro, who happily plays as a child with his flamethrower that shoot soap bubbles. Dell is surprised.  
“Hey, Buddy.”  
When Pyro notices him, he dashed at him and sprays him the soapy contents in the face. Luckily Engineer wears his goggles.  
“Hahaha! Okay, okay, I give up! Do you have a new toy?”  
“Huddah!”  
“Ahahaha! Alright. Say, you didn't saw anybody from the team, do you?”  
“Huddah.” Pyro makes special hand gestures and Dell thinks he knows what his friend tells him.  
“Hide and seek? They play hide and seek?”  
Joyfully Pyro nods his head and claps enthusiastically into his hands.  
“Ahaha! Okay then! Good luck, Buddy.”  
And with that the pyromaniac goes on.  
Dell sighs. Pyro doesn't know where the others are either. So he keeps looking. He can determine where Pyro was already. Because the air there smells like soap.  
When he comes near the kitchen, he hears sounds from there. Engineer finds Heavy, making a sandwich.  
“Hello, Big Guy.”  
Heavy looks up. “Oh, hi!”  
“You are making food?”  
“Da! Want Engineer also Sandwich?”  
“No thanks. I'm going to make bacon afterwards. Say, did you see my helmet? I cannot find it anywhere.”  
“No. Do you lose it?”  
“Not really… It’s just isn't there anymore. Well, maybe I left it in my truck. Although I'm actually sure that I always put my helmet on my desk when I go to sleep.”  
“Engineer and Heavy are already old.”  
“Hahaha! You're right, Buddy. At our age something like that can happen. Say, you didn't met the others yet, didn't you? Apart from Pyro and now you, no one crossed my path today.”  
“Heavy had training with Demoman this morning and then was visiting Medic.”  
“I guess Medic wasn't outside of his infirmary yet today?”  
Heavy shakes his head.  
“I see. Enjoy your sandwich.”  
“Da. Thank you.”

Dell leaves Heavy alone and sets off for the garage, where he always parks his truck. His heart stops in fright when he realizes that his valuable truck has disappeared, too!  
“Damnit… Damnit! Who the hell…? Aarrghh! How many times have I told them to keep their hands off my truck? Argh!”  
Angrily, Dell stomps back to his workshop.  
“Dag nabbit naggit daggit damn… Hm?“  
When he reaches his workshop, he notices that the door is open a crack. He is sure that he had closed the door completely. Someone was in his private area during his absence.  
_That's enough! From now on, I will lock up everything. My truck and my workshop! Can't I trust anyone from this team?_  
Angry and disappointed, he opens the door to his workshop completely. Shortly thereafter it rattles above him and suddenly he is spilled with black color. But that's not all. His toolbox and its contents crash down on Engineer, landing on his unprotected head. And finally, it gets dark around him as the bucket makes his head disappear. Like frozen Dell stands there. His brain is trying to explain what's going on. But the pain preempts him.

Scout jumps out of his hiding place. Laughing, he holds the camera aimed at Engie, who stands motionless in the doorway, jet-black.  
“Paint bucket over the door. Still a classic. What do we learn? Always wear your safety helmet. Because safety comes first.” Scout puts on Engineer's helmet “Isn't it, pally?”  
“………” Engineer doesn't move. With the bucket on his head (Soldier's bucket!), Jeremy cannot help but laugh again.  
“Hey, hardhelm. April-“  
Then he falls over and remains lying motionless on the ground.  
“-fools…”  
It gets quiet in the workshop.  
“…………”  
Jeremy nudges Dell with one foot. No reaction.  
_Shit. I think he’s dead… God, the guys here just can't take anything._  
“Well, the Respawn will fix him.”

  
**Heavy**  
Heavy is on his way to the kitchen to eat a sandwich. There is always a supply in the fridge. Nevertheless, it is always used up quickly, although only Heavy is the one in the team who eats it. And sometimes Scout. But only to annoy Heavy. But he's not around right now.  
Medic always prepares the sandwiches. The Russian is not sure what he always does with them, but when Heavy eats them, his powers come back and his wounds heal. He is very grateful to the doctor, but he would never ask him what his secret of sandwich preparation is. But is that really important?

Heavy is in a good mood today. This morning he had been doing strength training with Demoman. The Scot is strong. He can compete with Heavy in many ways. But at the 150-kilo weight he had to pass. It's fun to lift weights with friends. This solidifies the cohesion and trains the team spirit.  
When the Russian opens the fridge, he does not find the sandwich immediately. He's looking around for a bit. He discovers a bucket of chicken. Scouts favorite. A piece of paper hangs on the bucket, on which is written:  
_Don’t touch!_  
_Pff! Who wants to eat that?_  
No matter how long Heavy searches, he cannot find a sandwich. He was half an hour ago with Medic, who had assured him that there is one more. Then he has to make one himself. Since this is the first time he's making a sandwich, Heavy has to forge a bit in the kitchen to find the bread and the toothpicks. Everything else he finds in the fridge.  
He spreads everything on the wide kitchen counter. White bread, tomatoes, lettuce, ham, olives, cheese and mayonnaise. Everything is there. But what is the order? He had never paid attention to it.  
“Hmmm…”

“Hello, Big Guy.”  
Heavy looks up. Engineer stand suddenly in the kitchen.  
“Oh, hi.”  
“You are making food?”  
“Da! Want Engineer also Sandwich?”  
“No thanks. I'm going to make bacon afterwards. Say, did you see my helmet? I cannot find it anywhere.”  
“No. Do you lose it?”  
“Not really… It’s just isn't there anymore. Well, maybe I left it in my truck. Although I'm actually sure that I always put my helmet on my desk when I go to sleep.”  
“Engineer and Heavy are already old.”  
“Hahaha! You're right, Buddy. At our age something like that can happen. Say, you didn't met the others yet, didn't you? Apart from Pyro and now you, no one crossed my path today.”  
“Heavy had training with Demoman this morning and then was visiting Medic.”  
“I guess Medic wasn't outside of his infirmary yet today?”  
Heavy shakes his head.  
“I see. Enjoy your sandwich.”  
“Da. Thank you.”  
After Engineer left, Heavy returns to his unfinished sandwich. How does he start now? Maybe the order doesn't matter at all? Anyway. Like Medic does, Heavy will not be able to do it in the same way anyway. And it's only this one time. The main thing is, it tastes good.  
So he takes a slice of white bread and garnish it with lettuce, tomatoes, cheese and ham. Last comes the mayonnaise. Heavy opens the glass and dips a spoon deep into the white matter. He pauses before he spreads it on the hams. Something about the mayonnaise is suspicious…  
He smells at it. But the smell is normal. He looks closer and discovers little morsels. When Heavy looks closer, he realizes that they are white. So they belong in the mayonnaise? Is this maybe even a new recipe?  
After a moment's hesitation, he finally spreads a spoonful on the ham. Everything will be correct. After all, all the food comes from Mann Co. And nobody has more interest in their welfare than the company.  
Full of anticipation, Heavy places the second slice of bread on the first and cuts the sandwich across. And for the grand finale, he spears an olive on two toothpicks and places them in the middle of the two sandwich halves.  
Heavy rubs his hands with relish. His sandwich doesn't necessarily look like Medic's, but for now it will serve its purpose.  
Then he bites into it. Heavy closes his eyes as the comforting taste flatters the tongue and palate. One of the morsels of the mayonnaise gets between his teeth and gets bitten. It quasi bursts and tastes sweet and fruity. A real culinary treat.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! I can’t believe it! You really eat it!”  
Suddenly Scout is standing in the kitchen, a camera pointing at Heavy.  
Heavy's mood drops and in a bad mood he growls: “What does little man want?”  
“Oh, nothing special... But I have a question. How do the maggots taste?”  
The Russian pauses.  
“What maggots?”  
“In the mayonnaise.”  
Now Heavy lowers the sandwich slowly.  
“I plundered Soldier's maggot farm and put some of them into the mayonnaise. To get you to make a sandwich, I took doc's sandwich from the fridge.” Scout brings out a sandwich and starts eating it.  
“Mmmhh~ So delicious and free of maggots.”  
Heavy's eyebrows furiously tighten and he begins to build himself up.  
“Play it cool! Maggots are very albuminous. I even did you a favor with it.”  
The tall Russian slowly approaches Scout, which makes him take a few steps backwards.  
“I will crush you!”  
“Geez, you’re so thankless.”  
“Ggrrrrh!”  
“I mean… April fool!”  
And with that, the scout runs away. But Heavy will not let him get away. Angrily, he runs after him, but soon loses sight of the younger man.  
Grumpy, he returns to the kitchen. Just to make sure there are really maggots in the mayonnaise. He had bitten something, but was that really a maggot? Maybe Scout had just said so, to annoy him. As so often.  
Again, Heavy dives into the mayonnaise with his spoon and tries to fish out as many morsels as possible. Then he looks again closer. And indeed, one of the them begins to move, writhing back and forth.  
Disgusted, Heavy drops the spoon and moves away from the kitchen counter.  
“I said, there are maggots in there” sounds  the boy's voice behind him. “I'm not a liar” Scout complains almost indignantly and takes a big bite from the sandwich from the fridge.  
“……………”  
“……………”  
With a furious outcry, Heavy storms at the boy and another chase begins.

  
**Medic**  
It's early evening when Medic walks in the corridor in a good mood and even whistling (an almost given up habit). His goal is the storeroom. The food for his doves has gone out and in the storage room countless sacks of birdseed are stored. Hopefully his babies will behave as long as they are alone.

The whole day was so peaceful today. Normally, the others always come to his infirmary every ten minutes so he takes care of their booboo. But the only visit Medic received today was Heavy's. They had chatted nicely with each other. It would be nice if it were always like this.  
When he reaches the storeroom, Medic is surprised to see that the door was locked from the outside. It’s never locked. Why should it anyway?  
Shrugging, the doctor pushes the bolt back and opens the door. The strong smell of alcohol blows against him. As he enters the room, he almost stumbles over Demoman, who, apparently drunk, lies on the floor in a large pile of fragments and puddles of alcohol.  
“Was zum..? Tavish? What are you doing here?”  
The Scot slurs something incomprehensible.  
“Did you looted all the alcohol? And half of it spilled... It looks like in the pigpen.”  
*snore*  
“Demoman!”  
“Eh? Wha??”  
“Wake up! What happened? Are you already here for the whole day?”  
Only now does the Scot seem to realize Medic's presence. With the greatest effort, he looks up at him. That he is there now seems to trigger something in Demo.  
“??? ??? ???!!”  
“Um… I didn’t understand a word. Try again.”  
Suddenly, Tavish grabs Medic's pant leg and pulls himself over to him. He almost loses his balance.  
“??? ??? ??? ???!!!”  
That makes no sense. Tavish just slurs too hard when the Medic could understand anything.  
“Let it be. I don't understand you. Show me your body. You must have cuts everywhere.”  
Mr. Ludwig pulls Tavish's top up but he cannot see anything. And besides, the Scot is now beginning to articulate wildly with his arms.  
“Hold still! Hmm… No injuries. You have more luck than judgement, you know?”  
Now Demo is very quiet, he seems almost resigned. Then he takes a piece of broken glass and puts it in his mouth.  
“What are you doing?!?” Medic slaps Tavish on the back of the head, but instead of spitting the shard out he bites on it - and finally swallows it down.  
Medic is stunned! Demoman is often drunk, but never so much that he harms himself. Immediately, he casts a look into Demo's throat. But something is not right... There are no injuries.  
The doctor picks up one of the shards and looks at it. No man in the world can bite a shard and then swallow it down unscathed, no matter how drunk he is.  
He licks it once - and is astonished.  
“That’s sugar glass… Hmmm…”  
Sugar glass and a locked door. Medic is unable to make head of it.  
“Who can be responsible for this?”  
*snore*  
“……………”  
The best thing to do in such a situation is just to leave him here. Medic has something more important to do anyway. Namely to feed his doves.  
The birdseed is in the back of the room. He takes a bag, steps over the sleeping (unconscious?) Demoman and goes back to the infirmary.  
He sighs.  
_And the day went so well…_

When he enters his work and private area, he immediately notices how his doves are all sitting together on the floor in one place. They seem to surround something. Curious, Medic comes closer to look at it. His babies rise and flutter back to their seats on the wall. Only one dove remains on the ground - lying motionless on the back. The wings spread, the legs cocked.  
“………!!”  
An impenetrable rigidity travels through Medics body. He drops the food bag to the ground - his eyes fixed on his dove.  
“A-archimedes…?”  
Medic falls down on his knees next to his dove.  
“How… how could that…happen…? I was only gone… for a short time.”  
When he left, Archimedes was still alive. Nothing had suggested that he felt ill. Nothing! And now he lies dead before him, died without his owner was with him. That's the worst part. Archimedes died alone, without Medics warmth.  
He carefully takes the dove in the palm of his hand, stroking a finger over his white tummy. Archimedes had always liked that.  
Then he rests on his little head with one finger and gently presses him against his forehead.  
“Archimedes… Archimedes… Oh Gott…“  
For a moment Medic forgets that he is a doctor. A doctor who could save - could bring back- his beloved animal.  
He closes his eyes to feel Archimedes more intense.  
“I will never leave you alone again…“

„April fool!“  
Medic flinchs in shock and stares wide-eyed at Scout, who suddenly jumped out from behind a closet. With a big grin he holds a camera aimed at him.  
Medic is completely perplexed. His brain has not understood yet what's going on. That's why he keeps staring at the boy while he makes fun of him.  
“Actually, I had hoped that you would show a little more emotion and kiss your dove, for example, or something like that. A bit disappointing.”  
Is the scout really saying that while Medic is holding his dead favorite dove in his hands? Did he kill Archimedes? Only for an April Fools’ joke?  
The mouth of the German opens, but no sound comes out. Nothing in his body seems to work anymore. But deep inside, something awakens. Something dark.  
But before it takes complete possession of him, life returns to the dove. Archimedes flaps his wings vigorously and looks expectantly at his owner with his button eyes, turning his head on the side.  
Again, a wave of surprise and confusion rushes over Medic and he stares at his dove with the same size of eyes as he did with Scout before.  
“Archi…medes…?”  
“Coo~”  
“Although I don't understand the dove language, but I bet he said: April fool! Ahahaha! Oh yeah, kidding old people is a lot of fun. Thanks for your help, pally.”  
“Coo~”  
“…………”  
“Hey, Doc… You’re okay? It was just a joke. You know that, right?”  
“…………”  
“Um… Medic? Hey, dude!”  
Medic doesn't budge an inch. Scout touches him gently on the shoulder. With lightning speed, Medic grabs his wrist and presses hard. So firm that soon Scout can hardly feel his hand. Archimedes flutters frightened on his seat on the ceiling.  
Only very slowly does the doctor turn his head, his face twisted in anger. Then he straightens up, still gripping tightly Scout's wrist, which is already desperately trying to break free.  
“That was just a joke! Just a joke!”  
Medic doesn't answer. That makes it worse for Jeremy. Usually, Medic enjoys this facial expression, but anger suppresses any positive feeling.  
Oh yes, Scout looks like he's about to pee himself. And that brings Medic on a diabolical idea.  
He lets go of the runner. Immediately he moves away from him, rubbing his sore wrist.  
“Geez! You are such a humorless old deutschbag!”  
And with these words Scout leaves the infirmary.  
Medic takes a deep breath and then turns to his dove. He looks up at Archimedes, his forefinger uplifted admonished.  
“Archimedes, I am so disappointed by you.”  
“Coo…”  
“How can you worry your dad just like that? I will never forgive you.”  
Medic turns away and crosses his arms. Archimedes flutters on his shoulder and snuggles into his cheek apologetically.  
“Nein!” Medic shoos him away with one hand.  
But the dove stays keep at it. Archimedes knows exactly how to be an operator with his papa. So he clings to his collar and looks up at him with his button eyes. Medic turns his head to the side, but he still sees him in the corner of his eye, no matter how far he turns his head. Medic is getting uneasy.  
“Coo…”  
“…………”  
Now Archimedes begins nibbling Medics neck with his beak. His papa is ticklish there.  
“S-stop it…!”  
But Archimedes won't stop.  
“A-hahahaa! Okay, okay. Schon gut.”  
Medic takes his dove on the finger.  
“Ach, how could I be angry with you at all?” He touches Archimedes' head gently with his forehead and the dove is cooing contentedly.  
“But this scout! I'll never forgive him! He has gone too far with this prank this time. I will give him what for! He will learn what happens when he tries to fool me. And he will wish he had never been born.”  
The doctor notices the camera on the floor. Scout must have dropped it when he grabbed him by the wrist. He picks it up and looks at the recordings.


	2. Revenge á la Medic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter might seem a bit unsettling to some, so I changed the archive warning. After all, it's about Medic and we know how he can be sometimes.

April Fools' Day – one year later

Scout looks at his list with all the pranks he wants to play on his team today. Well, wanted to play. But he cannot. Because none of the team can be found. All are gone. For no reason! And that for days. He's all alone in the base, and if he's honest, it's a bit scary. Especially at night...  
He lies in bed like a pancake. He had never noticed what eerie noises were heard at night in the base. A knock, almost rhythmic. A howl as if the wind were blowing through the base (but there were no doors or windows open! Scout had checked to be sure, well, just to make sure nothing came in - like a monster... or something...).  
Then there were footsteps in the corridor, who came closer and had stopped at his door. Jeremy had been holding his breath, listening. But the steps were no longer heard. Did someone or something stand at his door all night? He couldn't sleep anymore. He kept sight of his bedroom door all night. Only when the sun finally rose and filled his room with brightness, he had the courage to stand up and look. Of course, only with his baseball bat. That one should have been there, but the corridor was empty.   
Last night, he heard no footsteps, but a scream... At least Scout thinks he heard a scream. And the voice sounded exactly like Snipes'. But it was too far away and could only be heard briefly.  
But he must have imagined that. As well as the steps, the knock and the howling of the wind. Because he remembered something that Medic had once said.  
The human mind is highly complex and fear is irr… national?  
Never mind! Somehow he had said something like that.  
And now Jeremy is sitting here, on the sofa in the common room staring at his list. A list, with ingenious pranks that he had worked out cleanly over the year. He put the names of everyone on the list and what he wanted to do with them (Pyro he had crossed out).  
But no victims, no pranks.

With a sigh, Scout leans back and remembers last year.  
After Sniper's shits he had searched for Jeremy and always had his machete at the ready. Apparently he really wanted to fillet him. But Scout was just too fast for him. Well, maybe Scout would be also pissed off when, after such an incident, he no longer had a natural relationship with a toilet.  
 _Pfft! Toilet. Yeah. Snipes is an outdoorsman. Nature is his toilet. So why the fuss?_

Spy had ignored him for days. Had always wrinkled his nose when Scout had entered the room. He knew he was waiting for an apology. He had always said _sorry_. But apparently that was not enough. This guy really thinks he's something better. What does his mother just see in him?

Demoman. In a brief moment of carelessness, Jeremy got caught by him (it's not always easy to guard against eight people at the same time). And before he knew it, he was naked from the waist down and lies over Demos knee. Never before had someone spanked his ass. And it had hurt. After the spanking Jeremy had rubbed his sore bottom and huffy made Demoman the accusation that he probably likes to spank children. But Tavish had just answered that Jeremy's puppy license had long ago expired.  
 _Sober Demo is a stuffy old man and boring. Just like everyone else._

Soldier returned safely to the base. But only days later, without Engie's truck and with a different look. Merasmus was probably so angry about his intrusion into his territory and the accusations that he had turned him into a raccoon (when Scout saw him for the first time, he inevitably had to think of the run over raccoon he found on the street - was that maybe a soldier, too?). Everyone had tried to change him back (except for Engie, who had not spoken to Soldier for weeks), but Solly didn't seem to mind his new life as a raccoon. He even seemed quite unconcerned. Nevertheless, he insisted on putting on his beloved helmet. And Jeremy had actually believed that the glue in the helmet had long since dried. As if. Everyone had to help pull the helmet off his head, tearing his fur hair off. They literally had flay him alive (his screams had been heard throughout the base). With his bald head Soldier had no desire to be a raccoon anymore and he had no choice but to be healed by the respawn. Since then, Soldier carried his whip around with him, banging on Scout's bottom with it whenever he crossed his path (not least because Jeremy had fumbled around with his maggot farm). A _Disciplinary Action_ , as he always said. And Scout believes that the whip even bears this name.

Pyro... was as usual. Three April Fools' jokes and the guy had not checked that he was fooled. But on the contrary. Scout felt more fooled by Pyro.

Engineer was angry with Scout, too. But he was even more angry at Soldier. He had explained him why he had taken his truck, but the Texan didn't want to hear about it. He and Sniper drove the van to search for the truck and found him in _Ghost Fort_ , where a small, stubborn ghost with a gibus hat had settled down on the back load.  
Even after Engineer had to take a shower three times a day to wash off the black paint and not be able to wear his helmet for a while, due to the thick bump (Engineer the prettiest unicorn), he had forgiven Scout relatively quickly. Engie is not resentful.

Just like Heavy. He couldn't eat a sandwich for a while, but he didn't blame Scout for too long. But he will never make a sandwich himself again. He had asked Medic to keep the sandwiches for Heavy separately. The Russian is probably afraid that Scout could steal the sandwich from him again, but Jeremy never plays the same pranks. For example, this year he wanted to notch the legs of his bed. Jeremy wanted to know if, when the bed breaks away under his big butt, Heavy crashes through the floor. He has so much fat on his ribs, he probably wouldn't notice the impact.

And Medic... Medic surprised him the most. Or rather made him unsure. After his reaction to Scout's prank, the runner had thought he would quarter him with his saw. But quite the contrary. The next day Medic was as usual. As if nothing had happened at all. Of course Scout had kept away from him anyway. Because maybe he only wanted to lull him into a false sense of security to catch him when he least expected it. But nothing happened.  
 _Maybe the Doc is suffering from Alzheimer's? This glance…_  
Jeremy hadn't forgotten his look. So hateful. Scout almost wet his pants. The old man can sometimes be so scary.  
“Maybe I should also delete Medic from the list…”  
Despite the April Fools' Day, there are still rules. Jeremy had learned that now. Never lay hands on the sanctuaries of the others.

Medic – Doves  
Heavy – Sasha/Sandwich  
Demoman – Alcohol  
Soldier – Maggots/ Helmets  
Spy – Suit/Cigarettes  
Sniper – Van/ Coffee Cup (Scout had actually glue the cup together, but had Mundy thanked for that? No. He's such so ungrateful…)  
Engineer – Truck/Toolbox/Toys  
Pyro - ???

There is not much left for pranks. But Jeremy is not for nothing the master of pranks. But if there is no one to be kidding, it makes no sense. And on top of that, the camera is gone. He had spent half a year looking for it. But it just disappeared. He cannot remember where he left it.  
“Everything's shit...”

The silence rolls over the boy. Again. He cannot stand it anymore. Of course he can make noise for 9, but if all except him is gone, then he just don't feel like it. He feels pretty bad. Jeremy dread to think when he must spend a whole night in this big base all alone again. Where are all of them?  
Almost be out of his mind, he jumps up and screams.  
“Damn it, guys! Wheerreee aaaarrrreee yoooooouuuuuu!!??”  
But stop! Scout suddenly has a thought. What if the team wants to play a trick on him? After all, today is the April Fools' Day. However, they had never done that before. And why they spend days hiding from him? It doesn't make any sense anyway... But suppose they really want to play a trick on him, then Jeremy will go in search of them to forestall them.  
“You won't get me, old farts.”

Scout stuffs the list in his pocket and storms out of the common room. When he runs around the corner, he bumps into someone.  
“What the…?”  
After Scout had recovered from the shock, he recognizes the person standing in front of him.  
“Doc? Where the heck were you?”  
Medic doesn't answer, breathing hard instead. He has to lean against the wall to hold himself. Only then does Jeremy realize that he is carrying blood on his clothes. And his head seems to be wounded.  
“What happened?!”  
“Scout… Finally I found you…” Medic falls down on his knees. “You have to help me. The others…”  
“What? What is with the others? What happened?” Scout kneels down to Medic, looks at him worriedly.  
“They are badly injured… You have to help me to take care of them… otherwise they will die…”  
“Yes! Yes, of course I will help! Come!”  
Scout helps Medic to get up and together they go down the corridor. He has to help the doctor while walking. He limps while walking.  
“Now tell me what happened.”  
“I wanted… to work on an experiment... And for that, I needed the help of others. But something went wrong...”  
“Why didn’t you ask me if I help?”  
“For the simple reason that you never take my work seriously.”  
“…………”  
“There was an explosion… The ceiling collapsed and the others were buried under the rubble. The exit was also blocked. It took me days to get out of this room…”  
“You were locked up and I didn't know... Why didn't I hear the explosion?”  
“To experiment, I use the basement room. As you know, this is soundproof.”  
“And the others...?”  
“They are… badly injured… If we do not hurry, they will die.”  
“Wait a sec! That’s not too bad, isn’t it? I mean, we have the respawn.”  
“The machine has been damaged by the explosion and... has failed.”  
“W-what's that supposed to mean _failed_?”  
“When we die, we cannot be brought back.”  
After Medic said that, it rattled in Scout's head. And then he stops, looks at Medic skeptically.  
“Is this…a joke? I mean, today is April Fools' Day and…”  
“ **Do you have only your stupid jokes in mind**?” Medic suddenly yells at him.   
He looks at him with exactly the same angry look as a year ago. Scout almost jumps out of his skin. He hadn't expected such an outburst.  
“Finally grow up! Lives are at stake! In addition, you should finally understand that we do not stoop to your childlike level!”  
“…………”  
“Gut. If you do not want to help me, I will save them alone. But I already tell you that it will be difficult for you in the future with the knowledge of having human lives on your conscience. People with whom you spent years and who was your second family.”  
“Okay, okay. I'm so sorry. You are right.”  
Scout catches up with Medic and helps him walk.  
“Listen, Doc… Last year with your dove… It was really just a prank.”  
Medic sighs beaten.  
“I'm not resentful, Scout. And now listen carefully, so that we can finally check off this topic. You have acted in your childish levity. As so often. You will be grown up.”  
“…………”  
“But not in this life anymore…”  
“What?”  
“I did not say anything. Come on, we have to hurry.”  
“Y-yes, okay!”

They reach the basement. The entrance is located in the rear part of the base. A scary place and quite lonely. Had Scout perhaps not imagined Sniper's scream? Maybe he was buried by the collapsing ceiling just then.  
But the basement is soundproof…  
 _I don’t understand anything._  
“Come on, Scout! Go inside and pull them out from under the rubble. I can not do that with my injuries.”  
“Leave it to me!”  
Scout storms into the basement. He's so obsessed by the thought with saving his people that he doesn't notice that there are no pieces of debris at all. And no injured team members. Everything is as usual.  
Perplexed, Jeremy stops and looks around in confusion. He needs a moment to check that something is wrong with Medics story.  
“Hey… There is nothing here – Aaahhh!”  
Suddenly Medic stands behind him and a syringe is in his arm. He only sees how a white liquid disappears under his skin, before he breaks free from him.  
With scared eyes Scout moves away from Medic, who gives him a wide, eerie smile.  
“Doc…?!”  
The boy is completely taken by surprise.  
“You are really a good boy, Scout. Childish and cheeky, but if we really need your help, we can count on you.”  
“Where… where are the others?”  
“Do not worry. You will be able to see them one last time.”  
“What… what have you…?” The strengths disappear from Scout's legs and he falls down to his knees.  
“Is that a joke?” he screams desperately.  
“A joke? Does it feel like a joke? Does it looks like a joke?” Medic kneels down to Scout. No sign of a limp anymore. “How many times do I have to tell you that I never make jokes.”  
“…………”  
Jeremy doesn't know what to answer. There is no time for that anyway, because the world becomes black.

  
When Scout wakes up, the first thing he sees is a white ceiling, and the first thing he hears, cooing doves. The infirmary. Medic’s infirmary.  
Instinctively, Jeremy tries to sit up, but his body doesn't want to obey him. He cannot even move his head. The disobedience of his body washes away the last remnant of sleep drunkenness in one fell swoop. He's so panicked that he doesn't notice that a scream escapes from his mouth.  
He remembers. Medic had lured him into a trap and then drugged him. For a brief moment, just a moment, Scout hopes that it's just a joke from Medic. A ribald joke. That would suit to a crazy doctor like the doc. But before he fainted, he had assured him that it was no joke, that he never makes jokes. And the runner believes him.  
The heart beats painfully against his chest. It doesn't even do that after a day of racing. It pumps so hard that Jeremy can clearly feel the thickened veins on the back of his hand and his forehead. But he also feels something else. Solid straps that span his torso and legs.  
He's breathing heavily in and out.  
 _Stay cool. Stay cool. It doesn't matter what Medic is up to. It will not be too bad. We are a team. And even if he should… kill me. We have the respawn. Maybe that's just his way of spanking my ass, giving me a lesson. Yes… Yes, that must be it._  
Scout is reluctant to admit that he's doubting his own thoughts.

“Hallo!”  
“Aaahh!”  
Suddenly, Medic stands over him and smiles good-humouredly.  
“You woke up on time. Very good.”  
“D-doc?! What is that?”  
“Do not shout like that. You scare my babies.”  
“I can’t move!”  
“Of course. I injected you with a paralyzing drug, so you do not fidget.”  
“What?!?”  
“You are paralyzed from head to toe. Permanently.”  
“What do you…mean?”  
“You will never be able to move again.”  
The blue eyes with the frightened look are moving panicking in their caves back and forth.  
“Do not worry. You can also feel no pain. Promised.”  
“What are you planning with me?”  
Medic crosses his arms and leans casually against the operating table Scout is lying on.  
“Well, I have decided to take a close look at your brain. And I do not mean that I will X-ray your head. Hehehe…”  
Medic pulls out his bone saw and holds it in front of his face to view the sharp teeth.  
“You sick bastard!”  
“As I said before - lower your voice. I know you are scared. Or do you want to gainsay that?”  
“What do you want with my…?” Scout can hardly pronounce it.  
“Well, after what you did last year, I became curious as to whether your brain has normal size. Because all the stupid things you do every day can not fit in there. Unless everything else is missing.”  
“You do this all… because of this little prank? It was just a joke! Just a joke, just a joke, just a joke!! It's not my fault that you cannot handle it!”  
Angrily, Medic slams his hands on the table to the right and left of Scout's head and bends down to the boy, his face wrinkled with anger.  
“You still do not seem to understand it! What was just fun for you, was pure horror for me! I did not even get an apology from you! Nobody - **nobody**! - lays hands on my börds!”  
The doves flutter violently with their wings as Medic's loud voice echoes through the room. Feathers sail through the air.  
“You played a trick on the wrong guy.” The German stands up again. “And you still have not learned your lesson.” He takes out a piece of paper. “I found that in your pocket. A nice little list of pranks that you wanted to play on us again this year. Oh, this time you wanted to replace Demoman's eye patch with a cork, replace Heavy's weights with stuffed animals, and paint Engineers Sentry in the opposing team color. And what else do I have to see? Even my name is on it.”  
“I-I wanted to cross it out! For real!”  
“Hmm… If that is really true, maybe you have learned something. It is just a pity that it is too late now. To be honest, I do not really care if you play jokes on the others. They are always lenient with you anyway. These fools...”  
“What do you mean by that?”  
Medic crumples the note and drops it to the ground. Then he bends back down to Scout.  
“You wanted to see them, did not you?”  
Scout doesn't answer. He has a bad feeling in his stomach when Medic said that.  
“Do not worry. I fasten you, so you do not slip down.”  
“W-what?”  
Medic grabs the operating table and turns it diagonally to a sharp angle. Jeremy's stomach tingles as he moves, and in fact he fears he'll fall. But the straps actually hold him. But he wished they wouldn't do it, as he sees the rest of the team. The world crashes over Scout. His eyes see the horror, but the mind hangs.  
They are on the other side of the room. Dead. Every single one of them. Blood everywhere.  
Demoman's body sits on the floor, leaning against the wall. The head hangs over. The skullcap is missing and thus gives a good view of the brain. Pyro is sitting next to him. Where once his mask was, there is now a skeletonized skull. Sniper hangs upside down on the wall, his stomach is cut open and parts of his innards hang out and lie partially on the ground beneath him. His dead, cold eyes seem to be staring at Scout.  
Engineer’s and Soldier’s torso were nailed to the wall, their lower abdomen is missing. They were sewn together on the sides. Their blood had left a dark trail on the white wall on the way down. And just a little further on a shelf, the heads of Spy and Heavy were placed. Underneath are their bodies.  
Scouts mouth and eyes are wide open. No sound escapes from his throat.  
“Well, what do you say? Beautiful, right?”  
“You…killed them…” whispers Jeremy, filled with sheer horror.  
“Obviously.”  
“Respawn…” Scout cannot even complete a sentence anymore.  
“What? Oh! The respawn? I had said that the respawn machine had been damaged by an explosion. Ha! That you really believed that” laughs Medic. “Of course I manipulated the machine. They will never come back. Not even if the machine is reset.”  
“ **Aaaaaahhhhhhrrggggghhh! Why? Why did you do that, you sick bastard! They didn’t harm you**!”  
“...they did not harm me, no. But before I explain it, let us watch a short movie.”  
Medic turns the operating table to the left. On the wall hangs a canvas. The doctor pushes the prepared projector out of the corner and positions it next to Scout.  
“What's that supposed to be?” Scout has a hoarse voice.  
“You will see.”  
The projector is turned on and a moment later it throws pictures to the canvas. Sniper is seen, drinking from his coffee cup. A little later it shatters in his hand and the contents spill over his legs.  
“You still know that, do you?”  
Of course Scout knows this scene.  
“You had the camera all the time?”  
“Of course. You left it in my infirmary. Actually, I wanted to delete the recordings. But I decided to show it to the others. I wanted to make them understand that they can not just let you get away with it. But do you know what they said? You are still a child. A big kid and you will grow up someday. We just have to be patient with you. All this they said, after seeing once again with their own eyes how you humbled them. For the third time. All year long, I've spent convincing them to keep a tighter rein on you. But they always said the same thing, remained stubborn. And the today's April Fools' Day was getting closer. So I made a decision.”  
While Scout stares at the canvas, Medic leans over him, whispering in his ear.  
“They are dead because of you, Scout. It is your fault.”  
“No…”  
“Yes~”  
“You…killed them…for that…”  
“I was angry with them and I could not allow them to get in my way when I take care of you.”  
“The administrator will find out!”  
“Of course I will hardly be able to hide it. But I have already come up with a pretty story. I will just say we were attacked by the BLUs. Middle of the night. Quite simple. And why should not she believe me? There are many mercenaries who violate the contract. And the BLUs really hate us. And I... I hate the BLUs and you all. I really hope that my new team will be made up of people who will not stab me in the back and who respect my work. God, how I hated all of you.”  
“B-but we had always got along well.”  
“I just played it to you. You really ought to know how well I can do that. All year long, I had a tremendous anger in my stomach because of your stupid prank, but I pretended that nothing had ever happened between us. You never meant anything to me.”  
“…………”  
On the canvas, Engineer is seen, spilled with the black paint and how his tools dropping on his exposed head. Medic shakes his head.  
“Scout, Scout, Scout. You was not thinking anything of it, did you?”  
“…………”  
“Now when you see that all, do you realize that you have made a mistake?”  
Jeremy doesn't answer. But Medic hadn't expected an answer anyway. He turns off the projector before he's seen on the film.  
He moves the operating table back to its original position.  
“It is time now.”  
“Doc… please…”  
“I'm sorry, my boy. But it is too late.”  
Medic picks up his bone saw. He pauses and looks down at Scout.  
“When was the last time you tell your mother that you love her?”  
And then it breaks out of Scout. Big tears trickle down his cheeks. A sob escapes his trembling lips.  
“I hope you take this experience with you to make it better in the next life. I will start now. I will extract your brain. As I said, you will not feel any pain. I took care of that. After all, I am not a monster... When your brain is removed, your personality is erased and everything that makes you the person you are. You will die. Your heart, however, will continue to beat and all other organs remain a little active, which are not dependent on the brain. Do not worry. I will stay with you until it is over.”  
Scout doesn't answer anymore. With burning, watery eyes he stares at the ceiling.  
Medic opens the straps and gives him an injection.  
“Just for safety.”  
But it is as if Scout is not there. He lies there, waiting for his end while thinking of his Ma.  
“Here we go. And do not forget what I have told you before. Fear is irrational.”  
He doesn't know if Medic had already started sawing his skull. He does move his head, but he doesn't feel pain. Is it really happening right now?  Will his head just opened?

An unusual calm overcomes the runner all of a sudden. And he's happy about it. The thought of his head being hollowed out alive like a pumpkin robs his mind. But... he cannot change it. He cannot change his situation and he cannot change that the whole team is dead. That was his second family. He feels betrayed and deceived by Medic. But the worst part is that he actually blames himself for everything.  
Something thick runs down his forehead between his eyes. It will not be either water nor sweat. Soon he will only be a shadow of himself. It's time to come to terms with himself.  
 _Maybe... I really deserve that... I'm sorry, guys! And Ma... I love you, Ma! I don't know if I was always the son you could be proud of. But if I had the chance to go on living, I would hug you. I would always hug you and tell you how much I love you! I would help you in the household and buy you flowers regularly and... and... for you I would get along with Spy! Sometimes I thought you love him more than me, but it was wrong to think that. I'm so sorry!_  
“Ahah ... ahahahahahahahaaaaaahh! There it is! There it is! Oh my God! It is really small. Ahahahahahaaaa! Take a look, Scout!” Medic stands over him, holding the bloody, slimy organ in his face.  
“Just look how small it is. Hmm... maybe you really was not your fault for your immature behavior. Oh, how cute~ Archimedes is just settling in your skull right now. I think I'll keep your head so he can nest in it. He seems to feel very comfortable in it.”  
“ **Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh**!”  
For Jeremy it seems like a dream when he jumps off the operating table and takes refuge in a corner, at the same time packed with pure horror. He stands with the wall in his back and stares at Medic. When he sees him standing there with his brain in his hands, his shaky hands shoot up and scrabble over his head wildly. Everything still seems to be there.   
Scout is terribly confused.  
“What the hell…? What the hell!!?”  
Laughing softly, Medic leans over the operating table.  
“Let me tell you something, Scout.”  
Jeremy holds his breath.  
“April fool.”  
He's not sure if he had heard correctly. Therefore, he doesn't answer, continues staring at the Doc. Is this all maybe just imagination? Is he dreaming? But how is it supposed to work without a brain?  
“What? You do not believe me? Well, maybe you believe them more.”  
Medic points to the dead team members who suddenly come to life.  
“April fool!”  
Scouts throat escapes a squeal.  
Medic can no longer hold back and laughs at the top of his voice.  
With horror, Jeremy watches as Demoman and Pyro pull off their masks, Engineer and Soldier emerge from behind a small canvas that hid their abdomen, painted like the wall of the infirmary. Spy and Heavy had also stood behind the same screen. Their supposed bodies were just headless puppets falling lifeless as the two emerge from behind the canvas. And of course Sniper comes to life too. He frees himself from the wrong organs, but he cannot free himself from the rope.  
“Can somebody help me? I cannot feel my legs anymore. I think the whole blood ran into my head.”  
Very slowly Scout turns his head back to Medic. He is already convulsed with laughter.  
“Um… Doc? Scout wets his pants.”  
Medic stops. And indeed. Jeremy is very wet between his legs. Just like his face, when the tears run down his cheeks.  
“„……….ahahahahahahahaha!!!”  
Medic cannot hold himself anymore and rolls on the floor laughing.  
Jeremy can finally free himself from his rigidity and flees without a word from the infirmary.  
Except for Medic, the entire team seems to be plagued by remorse.  
“I think we gone too far…”  
“Did you see the boy? I've never seen Scout cry. I feel really bad.”  
“What is wrong with you? He needed this lesson.” Medic straightens up and wipes the tears from his eyes. “Besides, it was just a joke.”  
“A pretty tough joke…”  
“You knew what you were getting into.”  
The team members looks at each other.  
“Yes, of course. But we didn't think he would react that way.”  
“What did you actually injected him?”  
“A remedy for his paralysis.”  
“He was really paralyzed?!”  
“Of course. What do you think why he did not move?”  
“We thought because he was terrified.”  
“The brain looked really real. How did you do that, Doc?”  
“What do you mean? The brain IS real.”  
The others look startled.  
“What did you think? By the way, the organs were real too.”  
Sniper makes a disgusted face and wipes the blood off his clothes. But he just distributes it only more.  
“Where did you…?”  
“From a baboon. I do not just use the heart.”  
“That means the blood is no fake blood?”  
“Of course not.”  
“…………”  
“Oh please. Do not be pathetic.”  
“I'm better going now. Have still a lot to do.”  
“Me too.”  
Everybody leaves (slightly disturbed) the infirmary. Medic stays alone. Sighing, he sits down at his desk. Archimedes sits on the table in front of him.  
“They are so fussy, right? That was just a joke. Well, at least I can now be sure that Scout will no longer plays stupid pranks on me.”  
“Coo~”  
“What? You would like to nest in a skull? I gave you an idea, huh?”  
“Coo~”  
“Na ja, let's see what can be done.”  
Medic strokes Archimedes little head.

  
One year later:

It's late evening when Medic leaves his infirmary and makes his way to the kitchen. He had not eaten all day yet. He had not thought until his stomach began to growl so loud that it reminded him that he must eat as well. Apart from this, that would have disturbed only the work. A small soup should be enough.  
The base seems like abandoned. The others must already be in bed.  
When Medic enters the kitchen, a bowl of semolina pudding stands on the dining table. Next to it a note.  
“Hmm?”  
 _Doctor has not eaten all day. Heavy made semolina pudding for doctor. Please eat up._  
“Heavy…” He sighs. Actually, Medic doesn't like sweet meals, but today he will make an exception. First, he doesn't have to cook anything himself, and second, Heavy has taken the trouble to cook him something. It's really nice that he had thought about him. He will return the favor.  
A spoon is already ready. It stucks in the semolina pudding. So Medic sits down, pulls out the spoon and –   
**Splat**!  
Just now on the table, now in the face. The bowl flew from the table in the moment as soon as he had moved the spoon. It slips off his face and falls to the floor with a clank. The semolina pudding, however, remains stick.  
Medic was frozen in his motion, trying to explain what had happened. Does the bowl have a life of its own? Is it damned? Is Merasmus behind it?  
Hardly likely…

“April fool!”  
Scout jumps out of his hiding, laughing at Medic's misery. And that's not all. The rest of the team is suddenly in the kitchen, laughing at him. Everyone, in their own way.  
Spy on the quiet, Soldier and Demo loud. Engineer and Heavy smile almost apologetically.  
And Pyro comes close to him and takes a closer look at Medic's semolina pudding face.  
“Although I had hoped that you would finally learn your lesson, I should have seen it coming…”  
“Aww! C’mon, Doc!”  
Heavy hands Medic a cloth.  
“I am sorry, doctor.”  
“Yes… I know, Heavy.”  
Hadn't the note been from Heavy, Medic might have become suspicious. Scout has learned. Unfortunately not what he should actually.  
He wiped the semolina pudding from his face with the cloth. Then he notices the spring on the spot where the bowl had stood. It must have been so taut that it's triggered when you move the spoon.  
Not that bad.  
“Okay, you got me and laughed at your doctor, who **cares** about you **every day**! Now you can go to sleep.”  
Medic wants to get up, but his team stops him.  
“Wait, wait, wait! Doc, I have something to tell you!”  
Medic is surprised at Scout's words and remains seated, arms crossed over his chest.  
“Well, I am curious about that.”  
“It’s about… last year. You really scared me to death and in the first few days I was pretty disturbed, y'know?”  
“…………”  
“He cried a lot.”  
“That's a lie! Shut up, cyclops!”  
Scout sits down on the opposite side of the table. He looks as carefree and cheeky as ever. And Medic is happy about it. Because for him that was really just a joke back then. But maybe it was really a bit too much. The boy is quite sensitive, even if Scout doesn't admit that.  
“Well, I was very depressed, but the old guys spoke to me a lot. And uh... Well, I finally realized that you are not responsible for your madness.”  
“………wat?”  
“Yeah! You are crazy, loopy, just insane!”  
“…………”  
“That's why I forgive you.”  
“…aha. Nice that you have realized that. And I thought, I must also justify myself for saying that I hate you all.”  
“Of course we know that you don’t hate us.”  
“And now for sure” Soldier says. Demo gives him a bump in the side.  
“I really hoped you would know that. I am neither a traitor nor a mindless killer who kills anyone who get smart with him. You are my only family. I... love you... if you want that way.”  
“Aww! We love you too, Doc.”  
“Huddah!”  
Suddenly, Pyro hugs Medic and the rest of the team imitate him. Except for Scout.  
“Sorry, I don't like group cuddling. That's too gay for me. Anyway... what I really wanted to say is that I will never play a trick on you again.”  
“Ach was? So my little prank did not failed to have the desired effect?”  
“No no no! I took it like a man.”  
“Yes, with pissed pants.”  
“Go and hug a kangaroo, Blinky Bill! Where was I? Oh yes. I'm not going to play any pranks on you anymore because I've finally realized that you're just humorless old bags. It's a waste of effort to play my premium pranks on you. You don't appreciate them anyway. Either you yell at me, spank me, or the dark side of your soul comes out. No. I have much better things to do.”  
“I always thought that's exactly what you always loved so much about it?”  
“Pfft! Naw! I was just bored. At least that was my last joke and so I say goodbye.” Scout bows conspicuously and leaves the kitchen whistling.  
“…you taught him the meaning of fear properly, Doc.”  
“Seems to be.  But as the saying goes -  The leopard cannot change his spots. Let us just wait for the next April Fools' Day. Then we will see how seriously he took his own words.”  
The team members looks at each other and breaks out into laughter.  
“Scout, the paragon? Not in a thousand years!”  
“Children love to play pranks and the elders to put them over their knees.”  
“Maybe we should now and then have fun with Scout. He has been begging for years.”  
“Agreed. Everyone comes up with something and next year we'll play a trick on Scout. Again. But this time something what doesn't make him cry. We all want to have our fun. Isn't it, Docteur?”  
“I do not know what you mean. I **had** my fun.”

  
After leaving the kitchen, Scout took a stand in the corridor to overhear the team. He was just curious about their reaction. After what he said in there, he was sure they would talk about it. And they did. What they said made his heart leap. They really wanted to play a trick on him! They did that out of pity, but Jeremy don't care about the reason.  
Maybe the old bags are not that boring.  
He laughs softly.  
“Yes! Yes!!”  
Energized, Scout sneaks into his room to go to sleep. But he knows he will not sleep. Not with this thrill of anticipation in his stomach. Nevertheless, he closes his eyes after checking that the apple is in its place on the nightstand.


End file.
